Hassliebe

A little while ago my girlfriend broke up with me. It's for the better so I'm ok, thanks for asking. However, I was a bit devastated after that, sobbing and crying almost every night - yeah, I know; what a loser.

I promised her I wouldn't write about her so I won't do that or about what happened. While I was "recovering" from the break up I realized that a break up has similar stages as the Kübler-Ross model; for people who don't know it, it's the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

This got me thinking about break ups in general and how I act during such times and how people treat one that just got dumped with all that "oh no" and "it'll be better" shit. Well, obviously, it's just this annoying transition phase that sucks. Well, the order of the stages were a bit different for me though and some stages I went through more than once. I'm not a psychologist or anything and this is also no "classification" of any sorts, this is just my experience with this. Again this is no telling of what happened and more a general "teaser for your brain" if you so want.

I think I never denied any of my break ups. If ever, I did, probably, deny, maybe, one of my relationships. I'm sorry for that folks but sometimes you're just not a good enough friend or family member for me. Just kidding ... maybe. I don't think I have commitment issues, I do think I have standards for relationships that are hard to achieve. It's gotten better already, luckily. But I once read intelligent people have less friend because they're quite picky; that means I'm not asocial I'm smart.

Not sure how but in this city I have met several people with the problem that the girl they are seeing is in a serious relationship. I've never heard a person being in two relationships, that's just wrong in my opinion. It goes with this "I'm not throwing out my pair of shoes before buying a new pair" thing. I know I'm not the one to say what's wrong and what's right but that's just a dick move.

Both of these things aren't really nice but then I look at a coworker of mine who wants to marry his girlfriend and then goes out every night to pick up other women. I know love and sex are not the same thing but you should be committed to your partner. I'm no saint either - never have, never will be - but such things are just awful. However, two parties are involved in this and being a man who has been cheated on, has cheated (not proud of it) and was the one cheated with, I can say none of these parts feel particularly nice. I wish I could say none of those has ever happened but life has casted me for a different role.

While I was thinking about these stages, I also wondered how often it happens with people who truly loved each other that the love, they once shared, turns into this abysmally deep hatred. I mean this more in a general term, a kid's parents who get divorce, your high school love or even a crush that rejects you, I find this quite interesting to be honest.

There was this one scene in Desperate Housewives - yes, I watched a few episodes - where that ginger woman told her son (if I remember correctly) that "The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference." This phrase stuck with me ever since. Since then I never really hated or disliked anybody. Every time there was a person who annoyed me I just stopped caring about them. Maybe that's why my view on humanity is as drastic as it is right now. But it worked. Somehow at least. It reminded me of some friends of mine who I think of how much I disliked them and now are really good friends or people I quite like.

It just gets a bit tricky when you need to stop loving someone but also don't want to hate them. The struggle is indeed real. Feelings, amirite?

While I was sitting at home, crying and getting drunk on my own, I started thinking of other relationships and older ones of mine; how it started, evolved and ended again. All the times my heart was broken or when I broke other people's heart - it's quite an uneven score tbh. 

Over the time I caused some people to break up with their partner, unwillingly I want to say at this point. There was only one time where I told a friend she should break up with her boyfriend and not because I wanted to have sex with her or anything but of whatever she told me it sounded like the worst relationship I've ever heard of. So there is that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what I'm trying to say. I think the only person you should bargain with in such moments is yourself. What do you want from yourself and a committed relationships? It's like those fights where you don't really know why you are fighting and sometimes you are fighting not because it doesn't work but because you've let it come this far. 

Love: "Why do you even exist?"
Friendship: "To heal the wounds you cause."

I read this as comic or whatever a long time ago and even though I agreed at that time, it couldn't be more accurate now. It only gets worse when none of your friends has time or lives in another country ... yeah that sucks sometimes. Not getting the hugs I need in this time is pure horror. I'm exaggerating a little but it does feel awful, pillows just don't do the trick. Luckily I got this guy at work that always hugs you whenever you need it. This reminded me that when I was bit younger, around my 20s, I was like this, too. I always gave meaningful hugs if somebody needed them. I don't know how this all ended but I want to go back to that state #SpreadLove

To help with my current sadness I got one of those "happier in 30 days" things where they give you a task every day. In addition to that, one my friends gave me homework to put a timer and look into the mirror and smile at myself for two minutes every day. It's supposed to trick your mind into being happy and then you start smiling on your own and be happier already.

The first time I tried it, I burst into tears. Right into the feels. All the other times my cheeks just started hurting from exhaustion. In the end it did get better, even though it was only a little bit. And by now I just stopped. I should start again.

The last time I was in this achy breaky heart situation I thought to myself "never again". Silly me, obviously, and nobody should ever think like this only because people broke your heart. Why? Because I ended up depressed, so much even that I sought guidance of a psychologist. Ironically, paying a prostitute was what got me back on track. Maybe I shouldn't state this publicly but also maybe it helps others. This was years ago though.
I'm not saying go to a prostitute if your girlfriend breaks up with you, no, no. I'm saying that time will heal such wounds eventually. It just sucks till then, and sometimes it sucks a lot. There is nothing really one can do except for allowing it (that's what helped me) and distracting yourself. Sports is good. Sex counts as sport so...

Accepting things like this is always rough. Have you ever been at this point after a break up when someone suggests "let's be friends"? I have to say I had it a couple of times where I truthfully said yes to being friends but it never worked out. Which can be a shame as ... Which can be quite a shame.

I remember my very first crush, Laura, I was like 13 or 14 and I asked her out on a date and she just said no and we should be friends. In my innocent youth I was happy about it. At least something, you know. Only to be crushed by my friends who then, well, explained me what it really meant - even though it wasn't a nice way it was good in the end.

For the last few weeks I have been watching How I Met Your Mother again - even though I still don't like how it ended it it did help me get over this. And even though I'm not a big fan of sitcoms I learned the value of sitcoms: they make you feel better. I'm not going into detail here but in the end there is most of the time a happy ending. And just like Ted I'm helplessly emotional and romantic and all I need to do now is to keep on hoping. Which is what I'm going to do.

I'd love to end this entry with one of the quotes from the show, which I think fits perfectly: